Most of us care about being successful in the things that we do - a difficult conversation, a project at work, raising our kids, or running a half marathon. We all have things that we would like to do and be successful in doing. There is a simple thing you can do that will help you set yourself up to succeed.
The secret to succeeding is the scale by which you are measuring. The secret to success is determining what you are capable of controlling and opening your hands to the rest. This is probably the most common conversation I have in the therapy room. Measure your success by your efforts, not by your outcomes. Success is setting boundaries in a relationship that has become toxic - not in the way the person responds to those boundaries. You are successful in setting boundaries even if the other person is unhappy about it. Success is putting in the hours necessary and double checking the work on our project before we turn it in - not how our boss responds. You are successful in finishing your project well even if there are some changes your boss would like you to make. Success is loving and caring for our kids and teaching them all we can, not the decisions they make when they aren’t with us. You are successful in teaching your kids, even if they choose not to follow your lessons. Success is in the daily training for the half marathon, not the time it takes to finish. You are successful because you put in the effort and training necessary, not because of a number. Don’t measure your success by how others respond to you. You set yourself up for failure when your yardstick for success is an ever moving target of other’s opinions. Measure your success by doing the work you need to do to find the inner confidence to know that your effort has been your best. Doing the right thing is the success. Measure your success by your efforts - not by your outcomes.
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It is a very common question - what should I expect from my first meeting with my therapist? It is normal to feel nervous about this first meeting. Every therapist might have a slightly different approach in their pacing of the first session but the basic elements of the first session will be the same. Here are the steps you can expect from your first counseling session (typically called an “intake” session):
1. There will be intake paperwork to fill out. One of the most important parts of the first therapy session, or the intake session, is the opportunity for your therapist to gather information about your history and reasons for seeking help in therapy. This most often begins with you filling out intake paperwork. 2. You will learn more about your rights as a client, especially your rights to confidentiality. At the beginning of any intake session your therapist should explain your rights and limits to confidentiality in a way that you understand and feel comfortable with. This includes explaining confidentiality when the client is a minor. 3. Your therapist will explore more about your history by asking you questions. The general categories of questions will be:
4. Your therapist will help you set treatment goals. After spending time exploring and giving you the opportunity to express what you feel is important, you therapist will help you set treatment goals. This way you and the therapist can be on the same page in terms of what you would like to be working on together. 5. You and the therapist will set your next appointment. If you express interest in continuing therapy, you and your therapist will work together to set the next time that you will come in. Typically the intake session looks very different than the rest of the therapy sessions. Your therapist will most likely take notes during the intake session and may not continue to take notes during future sessions. The intake session may feel different than future sessions because the focus is typically information gathering with the potential for less focus on emotional processing of events. The intake session enables both you and the therapist to make an informed decision about goals for treatment and what the plan for treatment will look like going forward. Note: Intake sessions for minors will typically look different than intake sessions for adults. There have been a lot of tragic events happening in the news lately. Some of these events, such as the school shooting in Florida, may be impacting your children more than you know. Children may be consciously or unconsciously dealing with trauma or fear due to these events. How can you help your child process when something like this happens?
1. Validate your child's sadness: Your child needs to know that feeling sad is a normal and okay reaction when something sad or scary happens. “What happened is really sad. Let’s talk about what makes you feel sad about what happened.” Too often we try to distract from sadness or make it go away. Allowing your child to experience sadness helps them learn that they can be sad and come out okay on the other side. 2. Validate your child's fear: If your child is feeling fearful after hearing something on the news or at school: “That does sound really scary. I understand why you would feel afraid when you heard about that happening.” Of course we want to comfort children and we don’t want them to live in fear. We also want them to feel heard. We don’t want them to feel like being scared isn’t something they can talk to us about. Being scared isn’t shameful - and in many cases, being scared makes sense. 3. Be ready for tough questions: “Why do bad people do things to hurt other people?” “Why do bad things happen to good people?” These are just some of the many questions a child may have during a tragic event. Decide how you are going to engage with your child when they ask these questions. A simple answer like “I don’t know” may leave your child feeling unheard. If you don’t have a answer to the question your child has, try “I’m not sure, but let’s take some time and talk about this together.” Or “I’m not sure but let’s ask [a moral or spiritual authority].” By taking your child’s questions seriously, you demonstrate to them that you take them seriously and care about what they care about. 4. Don’t let your child live out of fear: Just like being scared is okay, living scared isn’t. Living stressed and scared is tough on the body of anyone - especially a child. High levels of cortisol impact our immune system strength, can cause anger outbursts and other health and behavioral issues. Help your child learn how to find ways to conquer their fear and support them and encourage them as they do brave things. 5. Know when to seek additional help: Sometimes grief, loss or worry can become too much for a child and parents to handle on their own. If after a few weeks you child’s behavior doesn’t return to normal or you fear that their behavior is harmful to themselves, seek outside help. Oftentimes counseling is a great place to start. If you or a loved one are interested in the counseling process, please contact us at 706-310-9046. The “newness” of the year already feels over, doesn’t it? We are probably back in our old habits, old routines, old ways of thinking. Because the truth of it is - new beginnings feel difficult. At times they feel impossible. We want to change something about ourselves but we feel discouraged. We don’t feel like this is the time to start over. We don’t feel hopeful about something new.
The Lord desires for us to be refreshed, to be steadfast in him. He does not desire a life for us that feels stale and tired. The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV) The Lord desires that we keep faith. That we do not lose hope. And that, even as we grow older each day, our inward selves are renewed. The potential for change is always alive in us. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16 The Lord desires that beauty comes from even the worst circumstances. That we have gladness instead of mourning. That we praise him instead of giving up. That we are steadfast in our belief. To grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3 ESV It is never too late for us. It is never too late for the Lord to do great work in us. Through him, the time for new beginnings has not passed. His time is forever, and always, now. Sometimes changing something about our lives begins with help from someone else. A counselor can be a great resource for someone hoping to make a change. To learn more about the counseling services we offer at Bethel Haven or to make an appointment call us at 706.310.9056. If I had kept all of the new years resolutions I’ve made over the years I would: weigh less, drink more water, exercise more, watch less TV, read more books, eat less sugar and volunteer more. Because I have made a lot of resolutions - a lot of good resolutions that would produce positive, healthy things in my life. And I haven’t kept any of them. Why? Because I didn’t make them the right way. I didn’t make SMART goals. Here is how you can avoid falling into the trap of making goals that you can’t keep:
Goals should be SMART - meaning specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-specific. When your goal is able to meet this criteria you are going to be much more likely to meet your goal. Maybe this sounds boring so let me make it practical with an example. Let’s say my new years resolution is to “get more exercise.” How will I know when I’ve met this goal? What does “more” mean? If I change the language of my goal it might make more sense. Getting Exercise Specific - For my goal, exercise means 30 minutes of physical activity Measurable - My goal is to exercise 4 times a week. I can measure the amount per week that I exercise Achievable - I realize that four times a week is probably not achievable with my work schedule. I decide that I can probably work out one-two times a week Relevant - Getting more exercise is important to me because I want to improve my health this year Time-Specific - I want to do this all year. But I will start by saying that I want to do this in January to make it more time specific and achievable. My old goal: Exercise more. My new goal: Exercise for 30 minutes 1-2 times a week in January. Do you see how a goal like "exercise more" will fail so quickly? If we don’t define for ourselves what our actual goal is, the goal posts seem like moving targets. Keep your resolutions by making goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-specific. You aren’t currently in therapy - but your loved one is. How do you support someone you love as they seek help for whatever it is they may be struggling with?
The holidays are supposed to be the ‘happiest time of the year,’ right? Yet so often holiday times bring stress and anxiety. Maybe the holidays means getting together with family members you don't get along with. Maybe this time of year means fielding questions about your marital status, future plans, or when you're planning on having a baby. The holidays might mean being alone and lonely. They might mean working long hours to cover Black Friday or post-holiday sales. Maybe it means the memory of someone who you've lost and your grief is feeling more intense than usual.
With everything we might be going through: how can we get through the holidays with our mental health intact? 1. Adjust your expectations: realistically, Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t going to look picture perfect like they do on TV or on Instagram. Families will get into arguments, three people will come by and salt the mashed potatoes without tasting them first, you won’t get to spend time with the person you wish you could. Set realistic expectations for yourself. After all, in the grand scheme of things, these are just days in the year. 2. Realize that the holidays are a social construct: the holidays were invented - by us. Thanksgiving isn’t about the pilgrims and Jesus was probably born in the summer. That doesn’t mean the holidays don’t hold meaning - it is wonderful to be thankful and to celebrate the birth of Christ. But at the end of the day, that is what the holidays are - just days in the year. If we can separate ourselves from thinking that the holidays HAVE to be a certain way, we might be able to enjoy the way they actually end up being. 3. Set healthy boundaries: if you know that you can’t happily spend a week with your family, visit for just a day. If you aren’t up to buying Christmas gifts for every aunt, uncle and cousin, suggest a gift exchange. Find the limits of what is healthy for you, express those limits and stick to them. Setting healthy boundaries will help you stay within the limits of what is emotionally healthy for you during this time. 4. Ask for support: if the holidays are a particularly hard time for you emotionally, find someone who you can talk to about it. Whether it is a friend, family member or counselor, you deserve someone who will listen and understand what you are going through. The holidays feel like they should be the most wonderful time of the year. The reality is that sometimes they don't feel wonderful. While it isn't fun to feel that way, it is normal and okay to not experience the holidays the way it seems like everyone else is. Children love to play and they don’t need much guidance from us on how to use their imagination, how to play with toys and how to run around outside. Children will engage with each other on the playground with ease and have an intuition that helps them identify what a toy looks like.
It can be a huge deal for a parent to engage in intentional play with your child. Intentional may sound the opposite of what play is supposed to be. As adults we can use intentionality in play to help children develop social skills, learn self control and continue to attach themselves to their parents. Intentional play is a little different than simply playing with your child. Intentional play is playing with your child one-on-one. This enables the child to have focused attention from a caregiver through play. Here are some questions to ask yourselves to get started: 1. How do I play with my child now? Take a minute to evaluate how you typically play with your child. Are you engaged in play or distracted? Are you directive in play and worried about your child following the rules? Or are you able to let loose and have fun? It is important to know your own style of play with your child so you can understand how you and your child may interact in play. 2. Am I engaged? Intentionally playing with your child won’t be useful or fun if you aren’t able to fully engage with them. Put away your phone, your distractions of the day, and focus on your child. This focus will make them feel connected to you. It will also help you to notice opportunities to help your child learn new skills through play. 3. What is my goal of intentional play? It sounds counterintuitive to have a goal for play with your child. Most of the time the goal is probably simple: have fun engaging with your child. Sometimes you might have another goal that you want to focus on. Have you noticed that your child gets frustrated when they lose? Does your child have difficulty with self control? Play can help with all of those things! 4. How can I help my child during play? Children learn in tactile ways. This is why play is so important for children developmentally. As a parent the most important thing you can do with your child during play is pay attention to them, engage with them and care for them. 5. What do I do next? Take a minute to evaluate after you play with your child. You know your child better than anyone. Does your child’s play seem different than usual? Does it feel like they are able to enjoy themselves around you? Does it feel like they are exhibiting a certain behavior that you may need to pay attention to? Children communicate so much through their play. If you take the time and pay attention, you might be surprised at what you learn about your child during play time! If you want some practical ways that you can play with your child in an intentional way, check out next week’s post on creative play that encourages self-expression! We have all experienced being in crisis. Something unexpected happens that sets our world into disarray and we are forced to enter “crisis mode.” Rarely do we think to prepare for a life crisis - typically crisis appears out of nowhere: an illness, an accident, a family emergency, a loss.
What can you do when you are in the middle of a crisis? Here are some places to start:
If you are experiencing a crisis and feel as if you can not do it on your own, Bethel Haven counselors are here to help. Call us at 706.310.9046 to schedule an appointment. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, you are not alone. Confidential help is available 24 hours a day at no cost. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. |
Bethel HavenWritten by our counselors to help promote your help, hope, healing Archives
June 2021
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