You've heard us say it before - the holidays can be stressful and taxing on your mental health! We've got some quick tips for you that may help you enjoy the season a little more...
Recharge - Take care of your physical health. Drink water, move your body, eat enjoyable and nutritious foods, stretch - whatever self-care looks like for you, do it!
Unplug - Let's be real, social media is often a breeding ground for comparison. Are you finding it difficult to see other people's "perfect" holiday pictures, Christmas decor, etc. without comparing yourself/your life to theirs? It may be time to unplug and notice the good things you have going on around you.
Retreat - When possible, take some time to be alone or just with your close loved ones (this one may not be too hard this year with social distancing and all...). Be intentional to slow down and be still. Read a book, listen to music, enjoy some coffee. But be still.
Give - You may have read that and thought - "Give? I'm already giving a lot this season!" We're not talking about the kind of giving where you buy presents and give them. We're also not talking about the kind of giving where you give of yourself (time, service, energy) to others. We're talking about 1 Peter 5:7 kind of giving...
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7, NLT)
Give your worries, your fears, your pain, your disappointment, your stress, whatever is weighing you down to the Lord. Choose to trust Him with it this holiday season.
And of course, if you find yourself needing extra support, Bethel Haven is here for you! Sometimes life feels like it's too much to handle on our own. Our professional counselors are trained to help you walk through tough seasons toward hope and healing. To learn more, give us a call at (706) 310-9046!
As the holidays are upon us, it is important to acknowledge that while many enjoy this festive season, it comes with heavy burdens for many others. There are a number of different reasons why the holidays are challenging for many people.
For some, it might feel like there’s a lot of pressure to perform this month. You have to get the perfect gift, cook the perfect meal, and find the perfect tree. Depending on where you work, your job responsibilities may intensify this time of year. These things can be overwhelming on top of the day-to-day stresses we experience.
For others, the holidays may bring up memories of loved ones that have been lost. Grief can show up more strongly during the holiday season as it is typically a time spent with family and friends. The loss can feel stronger than it does at other times of the year because the traditions we participate in are often associated with those we care about and can be painful reminders that they are no longer with us.
Other people hate the holidays because they are estranged from their families. Many have been rejected by family or friends due to their beliefs or their identities, and having “family togetherness” rubbed in their face can sting.
Another reason why the holidays may be challenging is that seasonal depression can begin to kick-in about this time. Temperatures decrease, the sun shows itself less frequently, and we begin to feel less connected.
On top of these reasons the holidays are hard, the global COVID-19 pandemic presents a unique challenge in that it prevents us from being in close proximity with the family and friends with whom we would typically be gathering. A different kind of grief may be occurring here, one that tells us we shouldn’t still be in this situation, that the pandemic shouldn’t still be affecting us. But it is, and we make sacrifices out of caution and care for ourselves and our loved ones.
If the holidays are difficult for you, for whatever reason, I would hope you know that you are not alone. Your grief, sadness, and hurt are all valid and you do not have to fake it. You are not a “Grinch” or a “Scrooge” for having a hard time right now. You are allowed to interact with the holiday season in the way that is healthiest for you.
You don’t have to make any changes if you don’t want to, but if you’re looking for suggestions for how to approach the holidays, setting boundaries with yourself and others is a good place to start. This may look like saying no to gatherings of people. It may look to stepping back from the responsibility of cooking the Christmas meal. Take some time to think about what is important for you in the coming weeks and what you might need to get there.
When it comes to grief, finding a way to honor what was lost can help with the healing process. You can light a candle in memory, or set an extra place setting at the table for those who won’t be with you.
Finally, if you need support this season, reach out for it. Find the people in your life you can openly discuss your struggles with and let them in. You may find that there are more people having a hard time right now than you think.
For more information and suggestions check out the following link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201912/not-everyone-enjoys-the-holidays
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so let’s take some time to talk about suicide. I have recently seen many valuable conversations surrounding the idea that National Suicide Prevention Month should not be limited to “check in with your friends,” and I strongly agree with that. There are many systemic issues that lead to suicide and in order to truly “prevent” suicide, they need to be addressed. These issues include but are not limited to:
This blog post is about how to help someone who is suicidal, but this conversation cannot be had without acknowledging the larger issues that lead to suicide. I could (and may), write a completely different post about these issues, but please keep them in mind as you think about helping those you care about.
When I talk about my job with people outside of the field, I notice that they tend to get uncomfortable when I mention that I work with people who are suicidal. There’s something about that word or idea that people tend to shy away from, or see as “taboo,” but suicidal thoughts are not something to be ashamed of. Suicidal thoughts are more common than you’d think and are a symptom of great inner pain.
Our brains are very efficient problem solvers. When presented with a problem, for example, high amounts of stress, our brains work to come up with the quickest and easiest solution to stop that stress. Often, that solution is distracting ourselves with our phones or ignoring the stress, even if that’s not the healthiest response and the stress comes back to bite us later. For someone in deep physical, mental, and/or emotional pain, a solution to stop that pain would be to not exist anymore. Suicidal thoughts can be someone’s way of trying to solve the problem of pain, even if it’s not the solution we would want them to take. There are other options to solve the problem of pain, they can just require more work and do not always have immediate effects. These thoughts are not a sign of weakness or selfishness, but are simply one’s way of trying to manage their hurt.
Suicidal thoughts also exist on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, someone might be having thoughts like, “I wish I could just sleep forever so I didn’t have to feel this way anymore.” If we keep moving down the spectrum, another thought might be “I want to kill myself so I won’t be experiencing this pain.” On the other end, you might have a thought like, “I am going to kill myself on Saturday night by using those pills I saw in mom’s medicine cabinet.”
These thoughts are not a sign of weakness or selfishness, but are simply one’s way of trying to manage their hurt.
Now that you’ve read about some of the basics, here are some ways to help or get involved. If you are worried that someone you know might be experiencing suicidal thoughts, there are some things you can look out for. The following list, taken from Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, can be warning signs of suicide:
If you notice someone you love showing some of those warning signs, you might become worried and wonder what to do. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline has some suggestions to help. Let’s talk about these:
If someone expresses that they are actively suicidal (meaning that they tell you they have a plan, they have access to the means to carry out that plan, and they have the intent to carry out that plan), it might be time to seek professional help. Offer to sit with them while calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or in the state of Georgia, you can call the Georgia Crisis and Access Line at 1-800-715-4225. If more immediate assistance is needed, call Emergency Medical Services and stay with the individual until help arrives.
See the end of this post for a more detailed list of suicide crisis lines.
As you are working to care for someone in such deep pain, make sure that you are also being taken care of. Crises are challenging for both those experiencing the crisis as well as those supporting the individual experiencing the crisis. By taking care of yourself, you are able to have the time and energy to devote to your loved ones to show them you care and want them around.
Below is a more comprehensive list of national suicide crisis lines (taken from this Wikipedia page):
Elizabeth Thacker, MEd, APC
Bethel Haven Staff Therapist
Self-care is a popular term thrown around these days. I often ask my clients “how are you taking care of yourself?” because if we don’t take care of ourselves, we are going to get burnt out. The popular understanding of self-care includes things like bubble baths, watching movies, or doing some skincare. And these are important and wonderful things to do if you are able but might better be categorized under the idea of “self-comfort.”
I was first introduced to the idea that there is a distinction between “self-care” and “self-comfort” a few months ago while reading Sarah Bessey’s book, Miracles and Other Reasonable Things (I highly recommend all her books, by the way). This book details some of Bessey’s struggles with her faith and her experience recovering from physical injury. At one point in her story, Bessey notes that there is a difference between “self-care” and “self-comfort” and this concept has stuck with me. Bessey’s book led me to investigate this concept a little more. I haven’t talked to anyone recently who hasn’t needed a little more care and comfort, so I wanted to share what I learned about them and when they are most appropriate.
One way I can think to illustrate the difference between these two concepts is that self-comfort is a warm bubble bath, while self-care is regular personal hygiene. Self-comfort is often easy and helpful in the moment, but fleeting, while self-care can sometimes be difficult and challenging, but sets us up for healthy practices in the long term. A good analogy would be that self-comfort is what you do when you have hit “E” on your fuel gauge, while self-care is what you do to keep your tank from emptying out in the first place. Self-comfort is reactive, while self-care is proactive.
My understanding of self-comfort is self-soothing. When we are stressed or overwhelmed, needing warmth, or a break, self-comfort is a wonderful thing to utilize. Take that break and watch your favorite show. Enjoy that candy you’ve been saving for a while (it’s called comfort food for a reason!). Go for that run to get out your nervous energy. Self-comfort helps us regulate in the moment when things get to be too much.
Self-care is what we do to prevent us from getting overwhelmed as often or as extremely. These things can look like practicing mindfulness, making sure you are eating enough every day, setting up a proper sleep routine, budgeting, getting outside and moving your body, going to therapy, unplugging from social media, etc. When these kinds of things become a regular practice, you will be better able to handle when things become overwhelming and stressful because your tank is fuller than if you hadn’t been taking care of yourself.
Self-care and self-comfort are both important and necessary at times. It’s not that one is harmful and one is healthy, but determining which is appropriate is important. Below is an incomplete list of suggestions that can help you get started on your way towards proper self-comfort and self-care.
Self-comfort - things you can do when feeling overwhelmed
Self-care - things you can do regularly to help prevent being overwhelmed as often
If you want to learn more about how to better take care of yourself, therapy can be a great place to start. A counselor can help you find what works for you and encourage you to make the changes you have been wanting to make.
If you’ve been following along on our social media over the last couple of weeks, you know that we have been sharing about who we are - our mission, our purpose, and our values. Part of our Purpose statement reads:
We strive to address the needs of the whole person recognizing the biological, social, psychological, and spiritual components which make up an individual…
To sum this up - at Bethel Haven we look at our clients through a holistic lens. We believe (along with many in the mental health profession) that mental health cannot be separated from other parts of an individual. The biological, social, psychological, and spiritual parts of us are all interconnected and therefore they impact one another. We believe that ignoring this important concept would be a disservice to our clients!
So what do we mean when we say that we consider all of these factors when working with clients? Well, from the very beginning of therapy, we like to assess functioning in each of these areas. Our therapists ask questions like:
Is there a history of mental illness in your family? (Biological)
How would you describe your friendships? (Social)
What are your strengths? Your weaknesses? (Psychological)
Do you have spiritual and/or religious beliefs? If so, what does this look like in your life? (Spiritual)
Describe your marriage. (Social)
Do you have any medical problems? (Biological)
How would you describe yourself? (Psychological)
Looking at each of these parts of our clients helps us see our clients concerns in a more comprehensive way and aids us in planning treatment. We want to serve every client well and this approach helps us ensure we are giving our community the highest level of care. Have you been considering therapy? Give us a call to see if Bethel Haven is a good fit for you!
If you are a Christian, you have undoubtedly heard that a key part of following Jesus and honoring God is rejecting selfishness and embracing the joy of serving and loving others. These are fundamental, Scripture-based truths of the Christian walk and are part of “putting on Christ” (Romans 13:14). However, there are many Christians who think that focusing on the self in any capacity, including personal mental health, is a form of selfishness. Rejecting the sin of selfishness and opening ourselves up to true service and love is a beautiful, freeing, and God-honoring process, so please do not hear me say that we should not be fighting this particular sin. My goal in this article is to suggest that caring for yourself (in a way that honors God) is not selfish and that living selflessly does not mean you have to neglect your mental well-being.
It seems like in the Christian community, we focus on fighting the sin of selfishness but we neglect to clarify a very important fact: not all time spent working on and focusing on the self is selfish. Consider the following verse:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV).
It is easy to look at this verse and glean that we are to only look out for others, but something we often miss is that first phrase - “Let each of you not look not only to his own interests…”. These words imply that we are to be caring for ourselves as well as others.
Let’s also consider the second greatest commandment - “You shall love your neighbor as yourself”. This command can originally be found in the Old Testament, but Jesus reiterates it here in Matthew 22 when he is asked which commandment is the greatest. As you may remember, He replies that the greatest commandment is to love God, and the second is to love others. And, how does He say we should love others? As we love ourselves.
I have talked to believers who say that they feel like it’s sinful for them to focus on their own “stuff” (be it emotions, thoughts, struggles, past experiences, etc.) and that they need to instead look outside of themselves and just focus on serving others. (Again, I am not saying these are bad things to do). However, what often happens is they neglect their mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional needs and run themselves ragged trying to meet everyone else’s needs. Service and care of others becomes a chore, another thing on the “to-do list”, rather than something born of genuine love and goodwill.
The point I am trying to make is that you can’t pour water from an empty pitcher. If you are “empty” due to issues such as unaddressed mental illness, unchecked emotions, undealt with relational wounds, or whatever it may be, your ability to love your neighbor will be hindered. This is where looking to our own interests and biblically loving ourselves comes into play. I believe that biblically loving ourselves means that we agree with God on who He says we are, and we treat ourselves in a way that honors Him and reflects His care for us. And when we do so, we are able to extend the same to others.
So, Christian, pursuing your mental health is not selfish. It honors that Lord when we agree with Him and walk into the healing that He so freely offers us. This increases our capacity to love Him and love others, filling up our pitchers so that we can pour into our family, friends, and community in a way that spreads the hope of Christ.
Let’s talk more about self-regulation! Why, you ask? Because self-regulation is KEY in living with intention and purpose, and I’d almost guarantee that most of us want to live intentional and purposeful lives. In the last post, we defined self-regulation and talked about why it’s important, and this week we are going to put some self-regulation strategies into practice! If you missed last week’s post, scroll down and give it a read before moving on.
When we talk about self-regulation, many people think that we’re talking about relaxation. However, we can’t just think about self-regulation as mere relaxation. Dr. Eric Gentry, one of the world’s leading experts in post-traumatic stress states, “Self-regulation is relaxation, but relaxation is rarely self-regulation.” In other words, relaxation is only a part of self-regulation.
Don’t get me wrong - deep relaxation is wonderful and has great health benefits! But, if you are in the middle of a stressful meeting at work or you are cleaning up the Cheerios your toddler has thrown all of the kitchen (for the fourth time in the last hour), there’s not an opportunity for you to go take a long relaxing bath, get a massage, or do an hour of yoga. The good news is… There are strategies that you can use (that take as little as 30 seconds to regulate your body and mind while you are fully engaged in your everyday activities.
Before I give you the practical strategies, it is important to keep in mind the two components of self-regulation:
There are many ways to practice the acute relaxation component of self-regulation, and as Dr. Gentry puts it, “The right way is your way.” The overall goal that you are trying to achieve is muscle relaxation. If you are in a relaxed body, you restore regulation and regain optimal brain functioning. Here are two quick self-regulation strategies that you can incorporate in your life today:
If you are looking for more guidance and support in the area of stress management and self-regulation, therapy might be a good option for you. Our therapists are not only trained in helping you find practical ways to manage stress, but also in helping you find the hope and healing that you may be needing. If you’re considering beginning therapy, give us a call today. We would love to help you find the right therapist for you and your needs.
It’s well known that emotional intelligence is key to thriving in today’s society, with self-regulation being one of its vital components. The ability to regulate ourselves amidst chaotic or difficult circumstances is an invaluable skill that can help us thrive no matter what we face. When we talk about self-regulation, it’s important to define what it means to be dysregulated. When we are dysregulated, our emotions (often emotions such as anger, fear, sadness) are out of control and we feel unable to calm down - or regulate - ourselves back to a calm state.
When you’re dysregulated, your sympathetic nervous system (what you may recall as “fight, flight, or freeze”) is in charge. When your body is in this response mode, the part of your brain that helps you reason, focus, and interact well with others has diminished functioning. You also find yourself more irritable, reactive, and overwhelmed rather than calm and centered. Now, your sympathetic nervous system is important and vital to survival, but it’s not meant to be in charge all the time. Your parasympathetic nervous system (known as “rest and digest”) is built to be in control. When it’s activated, your body is calm and you are able to reason and think clearly.
If you’re tracking so far, you’ve probably concluded that self-regulation is how we return to parasympathetic-dominance from sympathetic-dominance. In other words, self-regulation is the process in which we return to a calm state when we are feeling out of control. So, how does this happen? Over the years, researchers have proposed and developed methods of what they call “bottom-up” regulation. I won’t get too scientific, but essentially bottom-up regulation is being aware of your body and its sensations (whether that’s tightness, pain, tension, heart rate, the breath) and using that awareness to return to a state of calm.
Returning to calm, to parasympathetic-dominance, allows us to be more intentional, less reactive, and better connected. It gives us space in between what happens to us and how we react - space to think and choose rather than act on impulse. Next week on the blog, we’ll discuss specific strategies for bottom-up self regulation that you can put into practice right away, so stay tuned!
Empathy. You’ve heard the word, but do you really know what it means? Counselors are deeply familiar with this word, however, it’s a concept that’s misunderstood by so many (myself included in my pre-graduate school days). Why is this? Well, we often think that empathy is synonymous with sympathy, however there is very important distinction between the two - a distinction that can be the difference in whether or not we connect or disconnect from each other.
Renowned author Brene Brown states that “empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection”. But wait! I thought sympathy was a good thing! Let’s dig a little deeper into the semantics of these two words and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Empathy involves identifying with another’s emotional pain, placing oneself in another’s position to gain understanding, and the willingness to “just be” with another. Mirriam-Webser defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another”.
So, how is this different from sympathy? Sympathy is feeling sorry for another without attempting to understand or identify with another’s pain. It can also look like trying to "lighten the mood" or "find the silver lining", which comes across as dismissing another’s pain rather than listening and acknowledging it.
Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, proposed four attributes of empathy that can give us more clarity as to what empathy looks and sounds like:
Am I saying that we should never give feedback or speak truth to our loved ones? By no means. However, the moment when your friend is sharing their raw emotions and struggles with you is often not the best time for giving advice. Rather, these are the moments that they just need to feel heard, connected, and acknowledged.
There are many hurting people in our world, and now more than ever do we need to grow in empathy. Notice I said grow in empathy. Although empathy may come more naturally to some, empathy is a skill that can be practiced and developed. What does this look like? Brene Brown suggests:
“I’m so stressed”
“My anxiety is really bad right now”
“This is really stressing me out”
“I can’t control my anxiety”
“I have so much stress in my life”
These are phrases we hear as counselors all the time, and I assume you hear and/or say these phrases often in your own life. We often hear the words “stress” and “anxiety” used interchangeably, but have you ever stopped to think about what these words actually mean? They sound similar -- and they are to a degree -- but the clinical definitions of them show them to be two different experiences.
Let’s start with some definitions:
These definitions teach us an important and often overlooked fact - stress is not what happens to us, but rather how we react to what is happening to us. Undergoing stress most often results from external events/stressors rather than internal experiences. So for example, the sweaty palms, shaky hands, fast heartbeat, stomach discomfort, and anxious thoughts that come and go in relation to what’s going on in your life are probably related to your experience of stress rather than chronic anxiety.
On the other hand, if you are regularly experiencing these symptoms and can’t always identify an external trigger, then perhaps there is something more going on than just stress. While stress is typically a short term experience that dissipates when the stressor has been removed, anxiety is internal and ongoing.
Now that we’ve defined what stress and anxiety are, maybe you’re thinking,
“Yep, that sounds like me” or
“Now, I’m stressed that I might have anxiety!”
Here’s the thing -- stress is normal. It’s a process designed by God to help us be productive and stay safe. Many scholars even say that a little bit of stress is good for you! Think about it -- let’s say a bear is chasing you, and you need to escape. It’s an AMAZING thing that the appropriate hormones are released so that you can all of a sudden be faster and stronger to run away!
But, let’s be real. Most of us aren’t needing all of that adrenaline and cortisol so that we can escape from a hungry bear on a daily basis. In modern society, we are faced with stressors like an upcoming job interview or caring for a sick loved one. Stressors in our fast-paced world seem to come without end, and we usually face not one but many stressors at a time. The result is that we go about our days in a chronic state of stress response, which ends up harming us more than it helps us.
Fortunately, stress can be managed with the right strategies and a little bit of work. Here are a few research-based practices that can help you take on the stressors in your life with confidence:
As for anxiety, it can also be managed and treated with the right kind of help. The stress management strategies listed above can be very effective in coping with anxiety, however seeking professional help is always the best option. Anxiety disorders have different roots, and it’s important for a licensed clinician to perform assessments to help determine appropriate treatment. Everyone’s experience of anxiety is different, and meeting with a trained therapist can open the door to finding the best treatment plan for you.
At Bethel Haven, we are primarily offering TeleMental Health services during the COVID-19 pandemic in order to promote the safety of our staff as well as our clients. Even though sessions are not taking place in the office, we are still taking new clients at this time and would love to support you as you combat stress and anxiety and work to stay well mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! If you feel that the time is right for you to start seeing a therapist, give us a call!
Written by our counselors to help promote your help, hope, healing