It’s well known that emotional intelligence is key to thriving in today’s society, with self-regulation being one of its vital components. The ability to regulate ourselves amidst chaotic or difficult circumstances is an invaluable skill that can help us thrive no matter what we face. When we talk about self-regulation, it’s important to define what it means to be dysregulated. When we are dysregulated, our emotions (often emotions such as anger, fear, sadness) are out of control and we feel unable to calm down - or regulate - ourselves back to a calm state. 

When you’re dysregulated, your sympathetic nervous system (what you may recall as “fight, flight, or freeze”) is in charge. When your body is in this response mode, the part of your brain that helps you reason, focus, and interact well with others has diminished functioning. You also find yourself more irritable, reactive, and overwhelmed rather than calm and centered. Now, your sympathetic nervous system is important and vital to survival, but it’s not meant to be in charge all the time. Your parasympathetic nervous system (known as “rest and digest”) is built to be in control. When it’s activated, your body is calm and you are able to reason and think clearly.

If you’re tracking so far, you’ve probably concluded that self-regulation is how we return to parasympathetic-dominance from sympathetic-dominance. In other words, self-regulation is the process in which we return to a calm state when we are feeling out of control. So, how does this happen? Over the years, researchers have proposed and developed methods of what they call “bottom-up” regulation. I won’t get too scientific, but essentially bottom-up regulation is being aware of your body and its sensations (whether that’s tightness, pain, tension, heart rate, the breath) and using that awareness  to  return to a state of calm. 

Returning to calm, to parasympathetic-dominance, allows us to be more intentional, less reactive, and better connected. It gives us space in between what happens to us and how we react - space to think and choose rather than act on impulse. Next week on the blog, we’ll discuss specific strategies for bottom-up self regulation that you can put into practice right away, so stay tuned!

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Empathy. You’ve heard the word, but do you really know what it means? Counselors are deeply familiar with this word, however, it’s a concept that’s misunderstood by so many (myself included in my pre-graduate school days). Why is this? Well, we often think that empathy is synonymous with sympathy, however there is very important distinction between the two - a distinction that can be the difference in whether or not we connect or disconnect from each other.

Renowned author Brene Brown states that “empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection”. But wait! I thought sympathy was a good thing! Let’s dig a little deeper into the semantics of these two words and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Empathy involves identifying with another’s emotional pain, placing oneself in another’s position to gain understanding, and the willingness to “just be” with another. Mirriam-Webser defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another”. 

So, how is this different from sympathy? Sympathy is feeling sorry for another without attempting to understand or identify with another’s pain. It can also look like trying to "lighten the mood" or "find the silver lining", which comes across as dismissing another’s pain rather than listening and acknowledging it. 

Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, proposed four attributes of empathy that can give us more clarity as to what empathy looks and sounds like:

1. The ability to lay aside our own views and to see the world as another sees it.
2. The ability to refrain from judgement.
3. The ability to understand another’s feelings.
4. The ability to communicate your understanding of another’s feelings.

So let’s say you’re talking to a friend about his job, and he comments that he is very frustrated with a coworker. Empathy might sound like saying, “Wow, that sounds tough. I can see why you feel that way. That must be so hard for you. I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here to listen.” Sympathy would say, “Well, at least you have a job. I know lots of people who don’t have jobs. You can’t get along with everyone!” Sympathy tries to “fix” the situation rather than listen and support. 

Am I saying that we should never give feedback or speak truth to our loved ones? By no means. However, the moment when your friend is sharing their raw emotions and struggles with you is often not the best time for giving advice. Rather, these are the moments that they just need to feel heard, connected, and acknowledged. 

There are many hurting people in our world, and now more than ever do we need to grow in empathy. Notice I said grow in empathy. Although empathy may come more naturally to some, empathy is a skill that can be practiced and developed. What does this look like? Brene Brown suggests: 

• “Be kind.
• Be curious.
• You don’t need to fix it or make people feel better. Connecting and listening is powerful.
• Try to understand how the person is feeling (not how you might feel in the same situation).
• Help people know that they are not alone in their feelings. Even if you’ve never had that experience, you might know the feeling.
• Let people know that you are grateful they shared with you.”

Empathy matters, because it increases our understanding of and connection to others, even if we disagree with them. It helps us bridge divides, heal wounds, and create the connection that our hearts need.

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“I’m so stressed”
“My anxiety is really bad right now”
“This is really stressing me out”
“I can’t control my anxiety”
“I have so much stress in my life”

​These are phrases we hear as counselors all the time, and I assume you hear and/or say these phrases often in your own life. We often hear the words “stress” and “anxiety” used interchangeably, but have you ever stopped to think about what these words actually mean? They sound similar -- and they are to a degree -- but the clinical definitions of them show them to be two different experiences.

​Let’s start with some definitions:

• Stressor: any event or experience that can trigger stress response 
• Stress: occurs when the body and mind detect an external threat/stressor, usually short term and has an identifiable trigger
• Stress response: an activation of the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS), physiological changes that occur when a threat is detected -- also known as “fight, flight, or freeze”
• Anxiety: “persistent, excessive worries that don’t go away even in the absence of a stressor” , 

These definitions teach us an important and often overlooked fact - stress is not what happens to us, but rather how we react to what is happening to us. Undergoing stress most often results from external events/stressors rather than internal experiences. So for example, the sweaty palms, shaky hands, fast heartbeat, stomach discomfort, and anxious thoughts that come and go in relation to what’s going on in your life are probably related to your experience of stress rather than chronic anxiety.

On the other hand, if you are regularly experiencing these symptoms and can’t always identify an external trigger, then perhaps there is something more going on than just stress. While stress is typically a short term experience that dissipates when the stressor has been removed, anxiety is internal and ongoing.

So…

Now that we’ve defined what stress and anxiety are, maybe you’re thinking, 
“Yep, that sounds like me” or
“Now, I’m stressed that I might have anxiety!” 

Here’s the thing -- stress is normal. It’s a process designed by God to help us be productive and stay safe. Many scholars even say that a little bit of stress is good for you! Think about it -- let’s say a bear is chasing you, and you need to escape. It’s an AMAZING thing that the appropriate hormones are released so that you can all of a sudden be faster and stronger to run away!

But, let’s be real. Most of us aren’t needing all of that adrenaline and cortisol so that we can escape from a hungry bear on a daily basis. In modern society, we are faced with stressors like an upcoming job interview or caring for a sick loved one. Stressors in our fast-paced world seem to come without end, and we usually face not one but many stressors at a time. The result is that we go about our days in a chronic state of stress response, which ends up harming us more than it helps us.

Fortunately, stress can be managed with the right strategies and a little bit of work. Here are a few research-based practices that can help you take on the stressors in your life with confidence:

• Controlled, deep breathing. Focusing on your breath is a great way to manage stress, because it turns off the stress response in your body and activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The PNS helps your body return to a calm state.
• Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR). There are many variations of this exercise, but essentially it involves focused contraction and relaxation of each muscle group in the body. One easy way to use PMR is start with your feet and work your way up to your head, squeezing then relaxing your muscles until you’ve relaxed your whole body.
• Mindfulness meditation. During a mindfulness meditation, your goal is to relax your body, control your breathing, and focus on the current moment that you are in rather than the things that are causing you stress. There are many great apps and websites that offer free guided mindfulness meditations.
• Exercise. Exercise is one the THE best ways to alleviate stress! Whatever you like to do to get your heart rate up, do it! There’s so much empirical evidence that supports exercise as stress relief.

As for anxiety, it can also be managed and treated with the right kind of help. The stress management strategies listed above can be very effective in coping with anxiety, however seeking professional help is always the best option. Anxiety disorders have different roots, and it’s important for a licensed clinician to perform assessments to help determine appropriate treatment. Everyone’s experience of anxiety is different, and meeting with a trained therapist can open the door to finding the best treatment plan for you. 

At Bethel Haven, we are primarily offering TeleMental Health services during the COVID-19 pandemic in order to promote the safety of our staff as well as our clients. Even though sessions are not taking place in the office, we are still taking new clients at this time and would love to support you as you combat stress and anxiety and work to stay well mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! If you feel that the time is right for you to start seeing a therapist, give us a call!

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Like anyone else with a social media account, I have been seeing a lot of people sharing the things they have been doing during the pandemic. Some have been learning new things, others have been taking up new hobbies, and some people have been reaching out to someone different every day. It’s kind of exhausting to think about.​​​

​When we post on social media, we like to share the pretty side of things. With my work with my clients, I have seen something else. We are all feeling pressure to be productive, even while we are feeling like we have less energy than ever before, and we’re being hard on ourselves for not using this time the way we feel we “should” be. 


Do you find yourself wondering why you’ve been feeling unmotivated even though you have more time on your hands? You’re stressed. Whether you’re still working or not, whether you’re caring for a family or not, and whether you’ve been personally affected by Coronavirus or not, you’re stressed. 


I know you’ve heard it already, but we are experiencing “unprecedented times.” What this means for our brains is that they are working overtime to try and understand what’s going on and how we are going to adjust. Every day the news says something different, we hear new numbers, and we have to make changes to our expectations about what life is going to look like for the foreseeable future. This takes a lot of mental effort and energy that we might otherwise have devoted to other tasks.


During this pandemic, a lot of us have been experiencing a constant state of fight or flight. We know there is a threat to our livelihood and we don’t know what to do about it. So we remain in this limbo stage as we wait to see what is going to happen next.


When we are this stressed for such an extended period of time, it takes a real toll on our brains and bodies. When we are anxious, upset, or worried about something, our bodies release a stress hormone called Cortisol. Usually, this is a short-lived experience, and the cortisol helps us know that there is a threat so we can solve the problem quickly. What looks different right now is that we’ve been stressed out for almost 2 months. When we are exposed to cortisol at such levels for such a lengthy amount of time, it can result in symptoms like anxiety, depression, headaches, sleep problems, and memory and concentration impairment, as shared in this article by the Mayo Clinic.


Do you feel drained? Do you feel less motivated? Are you having trouble paying attention to things? Are you feeling anxious or trying to numb certain feelings by zoning out, spending all your free time watching Netflix? Are you having trouble sleeping or getting more headaches? These are symptoms of extended stress.


The bottom line here is that your body is doing what it knows to do in order to cope with all the uncertainty we're experiencing. Being upset with yourself for not being as productive as you used to be is going to feed the cycle. So I’m going to invite you to try something else.


Give yourself some compassion. Cut yourself some slack. Treat yourself with grace. You’re going through something tough and that last thing you need is to beat yourself up for how you’re handling it. The next time you catch yourself thinking negatively about your response to this crisis, try to pause and thank your body for taking care of you.


It’s doing its best. 
So are you.
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As you may already know, the month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month - a month in which we hope to:

• increase awareness about the value of mental health,
• advocate for those with mental illness,
• and educate our community about what we offer at Bethel Haven.

If you’ve been in our office, browsed our website, or followed us on social media, you’ve probably seen these three words - HELP, HOPE, and HEALING. Providing help, hope, and healing has been our mission and foundation as we have worked to serve our community, and everything we do at Bethel Haven comes back to these powerful words. Today on the blog, we are going to break down these words and demonstrate to you how help, hope, and healing is the heart and soul of Bethel Haven. 


Help. [verb] make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one’s services or resources. At Bethel Haven, we provide help in numerous ways. One way we help our community is by making quality counseling services easy to access and afford. As a nonprofit organization, we rely on the generosity of donors to help us provide counseling services on a sliding scale. What does this look like as far as numbers go? 65% of our clients pay less than half of what it costs to provide our services. This is an unbelievable blessing to many of our clients who might not have been able to receive counseling services otherwise.


Hope. [noun] desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment. Don’t we all need an extra dose of hope these days? Sometimes life can feel so bleak that it seems like it will never get any better. Bethel Haven counselors seek to be holders and givers of hope for our clients when they find themselves in these hard places. We hold hope for our clients when they feel stuck and hopeless and have no strength to believe. We also seek to give hope through care, compassion, and effective, research based treatments and practices. Our counselors are not here to give you mere advice, but rather we do our best to help you see the good, make peace with the bad, and take hold of a hope-filled future. 


Healing. [verb] to become free from injury or disease, to return to a sound state, to make well again, to restore to health. This is the heart of Bethel Haven—we want to see our community made well and restored to mental, emotional, and spiritual health. The world we live in is broken, therefore people experience brokenness. Brokenness exists in individuals, families, marriages, friendships, workplaces, and the community. Our counselors are dedicated to facilitating our clients’ paths from brokenness to healing, to being restored to health. 


How can you be involved? For starters, pray. Pray for our leadership, our counselors, and our clients. Pray for God to provide the funds we need to continue our ministry of bringing help, hope, and healing. You can also give. As mentioned above, Bethel Haven would not be able to exist without the generosity of our community. For more information on how to get involved in this way, check out our Haven of Hearts. 


Reach out if you need us. Do you feel stuck? Do you feel the weight of the brokenness in and around you? Do you find maintaining your mental, emotional, and spiritual to be a difficult task? Give us a call, and start your own journey to help, hope, and healing!

Click the image below to hear our very own Taylor Mason, AMFT, APC on The Jules Show! Taylor talks about coping with feelings of loneliness and isolation during the COVID-19 crisis.

​1.CHECK YOURSELF. Before you engage in any conversation about the coronavirus, be sure that you are coming from a place of peace and calm. Children feed off of our emotional state. Your calm demeanor and presence can help your child regulate his or her emotional state - a process known as coregulation. Do what you need to do to cope well and take care of yourself, whether that’s through prayer, meditation, exercise, hobbies, or other healthy habits. 

2. BRING IT UP. Don’t be afraid to have a conversation about COVID-19 with your kids. Rachel Ehmke with the Child Mind Institute writes, “Kids worry more when they are kept in the dark.” Bringing up the topic won’t create more fear and worry - it will actually help ease it (if handled appropriately).  

3. LISTEN FIRST. Your kids, whether they go to private school, public school, or are homeschooled, have more than likely heard about the coronavirus from classmates, friends, adults, and the media. Start by asking them what they already know. It can be as simple as:
“Have you heard anything about the coronavirus?”
“What have you heard?”
It’s important to listen to their thoughts and feelings, so that you know where to start in addressing their concerns.

4. CONSIDER DEVELOPMENTAL LEVEL. When answering your child’s questions, keep his or her developmental level in mind. If your child is very young (toddler age) chronologically and/or developmentally, keep your language simple and concise. School-age children will be able to understand more, but they think in concrete terms. Therefore, simplicity and clarity are key. It's always a good idea to ask your child to repeat back to you what they heard you say. This helps you assess whether or not your child has understood you clearly.

​On a related note - avoid watching the news or having intense conversations about COVID-19 while kids are within earshot. You never know what bits of information (or misinformation) they hear and misunderstand.

5. EMPOWER. Teach your kids strategies to help them stay mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy. Our kids’ mental health is strengthened by routine, so try to keep their schedule as consistent as possible. Remind them that when they feel worried, they can talk to you and that you will do your best to help. Teach them tools such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation and use fun activities to reduce anxiety. And of course, reinforce personal hygiene!  All of these strategies will empower your kids and give them confidence amidst the coronavirus craziness!

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