from the heart
a blog designed to promote help, hope, healing
What is it that causes dissatisfaction in relationships? We get frustrated when people don’t meet our needs. We want to be known by those we are close to and we hope that they will figure out what we want them to do.
The secret is something you already know - people can’t read your mind. We have a saying in my family: “state your preference.” What that means is that if you want something, you have to tell the other person - whether that means picking a restaurant, deciding what to do on a Friday night, or even just needing some encouragement or space.
It can be hard to share your needs with others. This creates vulnerability - what if you share a need and the person rejects it? What if you ask for something and the person says no? We don’t get our needs met because we are afraid - maybe afraid of upsetting someone or afraid of causing conflict.
The secret to getting your needs met is having your needs be known. Learning to push past fear in relationships to express need. The other side of your relationship wants to connect. Help foster connection through both expressing your own need and encouraging others to express theirs.
Do you have trouble expressing your needs to loved ones? Our counselors at Bethel Haven can help you learn how. Call 706.310.9046 now to make an appointment with one of our counselors.
Dear college student,
Something happens post-college that makes some adults forget the hard parts about college and only remember the good.
Life has gotten harder for you, college student, in the nine years since I was a college freshman. The pressures are bigger than they've ever been to be successful, to pick the right major, to rush the right sorority.
We ask so much of you - make friends, fit in, made good grades, exercise and stay healthy, volunteer, do extracurriculars - run the race with blisters on your heels until they crack - until you crack under the pressure - until you want to fall down, exhausted.
Falling down doesn't feel like an option, does it?
Only perfection does.
Do all of these things with the hope - not promise - of a future where you have a great job that you love, that fulfills your life purpose, and also pays the bills.
And if you don’t get that job it will feel like it is because you did something wrong, not because society is broken and stacked against you.
Do all of these things with what seems like no real support - no one telling you to ask for help, no one encouraging you to treasure your mental health.
Do all of these things while the world looks down on you for being young, for being untried, for being immature.
Sweet student, there are those in this world who are for you.
Perhaps it is your parents, your neighbor, your counselor, your church community. Find those people and hold them close. Don’t let depression or anxiety overwhelm you. Life is hard but you don't have to walk it alone. Find community. Open up. Talk about it.
You are the generation who stands up for what you believe in. Who seeks justice and scorns inequality. You are the generation who is smarter, works harder and, yes, edits Instagram photos better than we could ever hope to do. You have an intuition about trends and disrupting the status quo.
You are seen and you are loved.
Be kind to each other and be kind to yourselves.
Do not be discouraged.
We see you.
We believe in you.
If you are interested in making an appointment with one of our counselors at Bethel Haven, please call us at 706.310.9046 to schedule an appointment.
answer, write, share, - develop, learn, grow
When is the last time I felt -
When is the last time I -
In what areas do I feel -
Final thoughts -
How could you use the answers to some or all of these prompts to develop, grow and/or learn?
The idea of being in a personal "funk" has been coming up in a lot of conversations lately:
“I’m in a funk.”
“I don’t really know why I feel sad but I do.”
“I’m not sure what is going on but I’m not enjoying work/family/life like I used to.”
You’ve found yourself in a funk. You’re feeling low. You’re feeling generally unlike your normal self. What can you do?
1. Remind yourself that feelings don’t last forever.
You won’t always feel the way you’re feeling now. You will feel happy and back to your normal self again one day.
2. Don’t let yourself slide into unhealthy habits that might reinforce your “funk”-y feelings.
I know when I’m feeling sad I tend to - stop exercising - sleeping too much - start eating more - start eating less healthy foods - hide away from others - stop socializing. All of these things can contribute or exacerbate to feeling down.
3. Reach out and let someone know what is going on.
The best thing you can do is invite someone into what is going on in your life. You need someone who can check in on you from time to time and see how you’re doing. Funkiness grows strongest in secret - bring your feelings out into the light.
4. Keep on keeping on.
Sometimes the best way out of a funk is through it. At times we just have a season where we are in a weird mood. Sometimes we just need to keep practicing healthy habits and wait for the funk to clear.
5. Know when to get help.
Sometimes you need someone to help talk you through what you’re feeling. If you think seeing a counselor could be helpful, call Bethel Haven at (706) 310-9046 to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors.
Despite the fact that I have never displayed a natural athletic ability - despite the fact that after running for 30 seconds I’m ready to stop - despite these things, I played soccer from when I was in kindergarten until I went into my freshman year of high school. My freshman year of high school my mom forced me to go to soccer tryouts so I begrudgingly cleated up to attend the pre-tryout conditioning. To mine, and maybe everyone’s surprise, I made the team - likely because if you endured two weeks of pre-tryout conditioning, you really did deserve to at least warm the bench for the season.
Which is exactly what I did - warm the bench, that is. I appeared quite satisfied to gab with my teammates during games and find every excuse I could to not run our mile warmup at practice. I’m totally fine sitting on the bench, I told friends and family. I have more fun when there’s no pressure anyways. But truth be told, I felt sidelined. I felt as if I was on the outskirts of what was really going on - the girls hugging after a good play, congratulating each other on a good game. I felt ignored as I sat game after game on the bench. Ignored by my coach and by my team members. Not good enough.
So even though I probably could have contributed to the team and was actually a decent defender, I eventually self-selected out. If I wasn’t going to get play time then I wasn’t willing to put in the work to be better. I was willing to watch my teammates win - or lose - and feel detached from the consequences.
What have you self-selected out of? Are you lonely, waiting for others to reach out, angry that no one notices your pain? Are you frustrated with a friend and irritated that they haven’t approached you about it? Is your mental health a mess and you’re waiting for someone to tell you that you need to take some steps to do something about it? Are you drowning in debt but not willing to make the hard choices it would take to reduce your debt?
We oftentimes find ourselves waiting on the sidelines of life, sitting on the bench and angry at the world. Why hasn’t anyone reached out to help us? Why haven’t things been easier? Feeling that if no one is going to help us, then we are just going to give up. No one cares anyways.
What is it that you need to hear today? What is it that you need to do? How can you find ways to seek what you need instead of waiting for those things to come to you? How can you stop yourself from giving up because someone’s actions made you ignored or unimportant?
Sometimes we need to put ourselves out there and seek what it is that we need. If you find yourself needing company and are waiting for someone to realize that and reach out you will likely find yourself disappointed. Don’t sideline yourself and wait for someone else to solve your problems for you. Even a therapist can only do so much and know so much. Help out your friends and family by asking for what you need. Help yourself by seeking out what it is that you need. Don't sit yourself on the sidelines. Seek what it is that you need to do or change in order to get in the game.
Easier said than done, right? If you find yourself feeling sidelined and needing help knowing what to do next, call Bethel Haven at (706) 310-9046 to schedule an appointment with a trained counselor.
It is a commonly asked question: how long do I need to be in therapy before I start feeling better?
If you're going to make the investment of time and money, you likely want to know when therapy is going to start working. Is it right away? After a few sessions?
When I take medicine for a headache I typically don’t have a timer set to check when the medicine is supposed to kick in. I simply trust that the medicine says it is going to do what the bottle is going to do. Eventually the headache goes away.
The journey to mental and emotional health is nothing like taking medicine for a headache. There is no bottle we can read that tells us when to expect results.
And what do the results of being in therapy look like, anyway? They look more abstract than the results of taking an aspirin for a headache. Getting “better” through therapy work may mean that you respond to someone kindly instead of with anger. It may mean that you are able to go to your family thanksgiving without a meltdown. It may mean that you are able to have a difficult conversation or respond well to bad news.
The hard thing about mental health is that there isn't typically a specific moment where we feel “better.” The change can be gradual and we may wake up one morning realizing that we’ve been feeling different for a while. But the results are rarely immediate.
Making positive changes in our lives is a little bit like standing in the shower waiting for it to warm up. You don’t notice the gradual change in temperature as much as you notice when it is finally hot.
Though there is not a specific time frame to “feeling better,” there are ways to know if you are making progress. Consider keeping a journal of your emotions so you can track progress over time. Ask a trusted friend or family member if it seems from the outside like you are doing better. Work with your therapist to set measurable goals to track the progress you’ve made.
You are capable of change and of coming to a place of peace concerning your emotional health. Don’t be discouraged if progress doesn’t look how you feel like it should. Be present through the process and trust yourself. Feeling like you aren’t making progress doesn’t indicate that it is time to give up. Instead, take this as a sign to check in with yourself and others.
The inside joke of counselors is that summer is a total wild card. During the summer many of our clients are out of school. Others are taking vacations. Some feel as if summer is a good time to ‘take a break’ from counseling. The result is that counselors often find ourselves with last minute cancellations and a little extra flexibility in our calendars. It seems as if many people feel like summer is an inconvenient time for them to be in therapy.
The secret is that summer is actually the perfect time to start in therapy.
For school aged kids: kids don’t have the distraction of schoolwork and and the mental effort of going to class every day. School aged kids have a lot more margin in their summer to be engaged in therapy. They have more emotional energy to do their counseling “homework.” It is easier to make an appointment for them when they don’t have school and you aren’t competing with other parents for the afternoon time slots.
For college students: even if you are taking summer classes, you know that summer just feels different. The sun is out more. Athens is a little quieter. And there is a wonderful opportunity to engage in counseling and work on issues that are typically present in the school year. You have more emotional and mental energy to devote to your own personal growth and self-care. You have an opportunity to make mental health a priority.
The best time to start counseling is before a problem starts. The second best time to start counseling is now. For school age kids and college students, August rolls around with a host of issues related to being in school. Anxiety about performance, feeling stressed and over-scheduled, and interpersonal issues all ramp up around school time. You have the opportunity during the summer to get started on working through those issues! It is also a great time to process the previous school year and feel prepared to start again in August.
If you are interested in making an appointment this summer with one of our counselors, please call Bethel Haven at (706) 310-9067.
Core beliefs are something that often come up during the course of therapy. They come up because we live in a world that influences our core beliefs to often be deeply flawed. This often leads to emotional distress.
Core belief are our deeply held beliefs about ourselves that influence the way we interact with others and interpret events. Our core beliefs are, as the name implies, at the very core of how we see ourselves and what we believe ourselves to be.
These beliefs are held deeply and yet without introspection we do not know what they are. Our core beliefs are what are often activated in times of stress or relational discord. If you’ve ever said or thought something and wondered “where did that come from?” you’ve likely experienced an activation of a core belief.
Your core beliefs can be negative: “I’m not good enough” “I’m unlovable” “I’m not capable”
Your core beliefs can be positive: “I am capable” “I am lovable” “I am enough”
These core beliefs are seen in the way we think about situations: “I won’t make the team because I am not good enough for them.” “I don’t make friends because people don’t like me.” “I can never do anything right.” “I always say the wrong thing.”
It is important to know our core beliefs because of how strongly they influence our mood, actions, and thoughts about ourselves. If you approach situations with the belief that “I’m unlovable” you are likely to feel depressed and/or anxious.
A great way to determine your core beliefs might be to talk to a trusted friend or a counselor. A counselor can help you explore where in your history your core beliefs stem from and can help you learn how to change your core beliefs.
If you are interested in making an appointment with one of our counselors at Bethel Haven and learning more about your core beliefs, please call us at 706.310.9046 to schedule an appointment.
Oftentimes counseling is not seen as a preventative measure (even though it can be and is extremely effective when used this way) but instead as a reaction to things getting really bad. So when counseling doesn’t work, the consequences feel huge! Even if this isn’t your last resort, you are likely invested in it being successful.
There are many things concerning therapy that you have control over! Let’s talk about some of the ways you can respond if it feels like therapy is not working:
1. Talk to your therapist.
Ask them if how you are feeling is normal. Should you be seeing more results? What can you and the therapist change about your time together that might make it more helpful? If something about the sessions aren’t working for you, tell your therapist! You are your own best advocate.
2. Do your (therapy) homework.
If your therapist has suggested lifestyle changes such as sleep habits, eating habits, or even visiting the doctor to rule out medical contributors - make sure you’re actually following through. The majority of what makes therapy a success is the work that you as the client do during the week. Your therapist may give you exercises to do during the week. Those can be a vital part of what makes your treatment work.
3. Consider finding a new therapist.
If you are doing all of the above and still aren’t seeing results, consider whether your therapist is a good fit for you. Oftentimes clients can feel stuck in a therapy relationship - perhaps thinking things are working because of them, or maybe not wanting to hurt their therapist’s feelings. If you feel stuck because your therapist doesn’t feel helpful in your journey to move forward, it may be time to find someone new.
You don’t have to give up on therapy if it hasn’t felt helpful! There is a huge variety of therapists, methods of therapy and ways that you can find relief from your problems.
If you are interested in starting therapy, you can contact Bethel Haven at 706.310.9076 to schedule your first appointment.
Maybe you or someone you care about is on the fence about whether or not to start therapy. You aren’t alone - there are many people who delay starting therapy even though they feel like it could potentially help them.
Here are some things to consider if you are unsure about therapy:
It is normal to be nervous
Most people are nervous about the idea of going to therapy for the first time. You aren’t alone! Your therapist will walk you through the process. You can read here more about what to expect from your first therapy session.
You don't have to commit
Going to a therapy session doesn’t mean you’re committing to going for any set period of time. You always have the option to not make another appointment.
Finding the right therapist for you
Finding the right therapist can feel daunting. Ask for recommendations from trusted people in your life or read through therapist bios on their websites. Finding the right therapist for you is possible! And there are many options to choose from.
Therapy can be part of a bigger picture of what helps you
Therapy doesn’t have to feel like a one-stop option. Therapy should be holistic and involve many aspects of your life: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.
The risk is low
If you go to therapy and hate it - you aren’t required to go back. You also aren’t required to stay with a therapist who you don’t connect with. The options are almost endless!
Finances don't have to be a barrier
The idea of going to therapy can be financially intimidating. You may feel that therapy is not affordable for you. At Bethel Haven (and other non-profits) you can find therapy available on a sliding-scale. This means that your income is taken into account when calculating your cost of therapy.
Bethel Haven is committed to providing affordable mental health services to everyone. Finances should not determine whether or not you are able to seek help. Call our office at 706.310.9046 to learn more about making an appointment with a Bethel Haven therapist today!
Written by our counselors to help promote your help, hope, healing