People Pleasing Part 1

Allison Mauldin, Grad Intern

Part I: Pay Now or Pay Later, That is the Question & Stepping Off the Proverbial People-Pleasing Merry-Go-Round
"Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner." ~Unknown

Temporarily pleasant or lasting peace? In saying yes to everyone else around you, over time, an individual struggles to say yes to his or her own needs. After experiencing a long string of “yeses” to family, friends, or work colleagues, have you ever felt like someone stuck a straw in your back and sucked the life right out of you? In essence, drained.

In other words, does an individual simply wake up one day and say, “When I grow up, I want to be a people pleaser.” Of course, not. In fact, this behavior usually develops early on in an individual’s life, typically during childhood due to several specific factors, such as a desire to feel accepted, safe and secure, a sense of belonging, past traumas, or a fear of being rejected or abandoned, to name just a few.
As a recovering people-pleaser, I know the struggle is real. Case in point… Imagine sitting in a nail salon chair experiencing a much-awaited pedicure and restful bliss where the stresses of life melt away when your insides alert you that it is time to run to the “loo.” It must have been that combined cup of water and venti café mocha from Starbucks that did the job.

Anyway, said dedicated nail technician is actively working on your less than desirable cuticles and callouses when the urge strikes. Hmm… to interrupt or not to interrupt the technician, that is the question. As you inwardly debate your next course of action, and how “pressing” one’s growing needs are, the increased pressure decides for you, as you awkwardly saunter off with your bare toes to find relief.

​Perhaps this small scenario is unrelatable but a more pronounced people-pleasing scenario centering around “the most wonderful time of the year,” aka the holiday season, complete with family or extended relatives, might be more relatable.

Or consider the following scenario. A friend paints a mural on your wall; however, it is different than the picture you showed to her. Do you… A) Thank her profusely and tell her it is just what you envisioned and is perfect, going on and on about her artistry skills. B) Simply thank her and say nothing else but inwardly cringe and try to think of other options. C) Politely thank her for her hard work and mention a few things about the mural you would like changed.

Whatever the case may be, what makes an individual wait till the pressure is mounting, either literally or figuratively, to find relief and to take care of one’s basic necessities for a healthy life, or to express one’s own unique wishes? Such seems to be the case with people-pleasing and, if this indeed presents itself as a real struggle to you, a solid first step is to approach it from a place of curiosity.

​If you are wondering if you are indeed a people-pleaser, many tell-tale signs exist, such as difficulty saying no and setting effective boundaries around yourself and your resources, seeking validation, approval, and reassurance from others, avoiding conflict and voicing your opinions for the sake of keeping the peace, apologizing when it is not your fault or necessary in order to smooth the situation over, ignoring or putting on the back burner your own goals and needs at the expense of others, or experiencing guilt when you do choose to give priority to your own needs and not accommodate others, and a host more.

I am including a link to a free 20 question test below I discovered on Psychology Today. (If interested, simply click on the questions, not the green button, and enter your zip code to see your free results.)                                                                                    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/people-pleasing-test

With the approaching winter weather, I will leave you with a humorous yet applicable reminder to not “… set yourself on fire to keep others warm” (~Penny Reid in the Beard in Mind).

Part II Coming Soon: Exploring the Tell-tale Signs of People-Pleasing, the Causes of People-Pleasing, & Helpful Strategies to Overcome It