Empathy - What It Is & Why It Matters

Empathy. You’ve heard the word, but do you really know what it means? Counselors are deeply familiar with this word, however, it’s a concept that’s misunderstood by so many (myself included in my pre-graduate school days). Why is this? Well, we often think that empathy is synonymous with sympathy, however there is very important distinction between the two - a distinction that can be the difference in whether or not we connect or disconnect from each other.

Renowned author Brene Brown states that “empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection”. But wait! I thought sympathy was a good thing! Let’s dig a little deeper into the semantics of these two words and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Empathy involves identifying with another’s emotional pain, placing oneself in another’s position to gain understanding, and the willingness to “just be” with another. Mirriam-Webser defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another”. 

So, how is this different from sympathy? Sympathy is feeling sorry for another without attempting to understand or identify with another’s pain. It can also look like trying to "lighten the mood" or "find the silver lining", which comes across as dismissing another’s pain rather than listening and acknowledging it. 

Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, proposed four attributes of empathy that can give us more clarity as to what empathy looks and sounds like:

1. The ability to lay aside our own views and to see the world as another sees it.
2. The ability to refrain from judgement.
3. The ability to understand another’s feelings.
4. The ability to communicate your understanding of another’s feelings.

So let’s say you’re talking to a friend about his job, and he comments that he is very frustrated with a coworker. Empathy might sound like saying, “Wow, that sounds tough. I can see why you feel that way. That must be so hard for you. I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here to listen.” Sympathy would say, “Well, at least you have a job. I know lots of people who don’t have jobs. You can’t get along with everyone!” Sympathy tries to “fix” the situation rather than listen and support. 

Am I saying that we should never give feedback or speak truth to our loved ones? By no means. However, the moment when your friend is sharing their raw emotions and struggles with you is often not the best time for giving advice. Rather, these are the moments that they just need to feel heard, connected, and acknowledged. 

There are many hurting people in our world, and now more than ever do we need to grow in empathy. Notice I said grow in empathy. Although empathy may come more naturally to some, empathy is a skill that can be practiced and developed. What does this look like? Brene Brown suggests: 

• “Be kind.
• Be curious.
• You don’t need to fix it or make people feel better. Connecting and listening is powerful.
• Try to understand how the person is feeling (not how you might feel in the same situation).
• Help people know that they are not alone in their feelings. Even if you’ve never had that experience, you might know the feeling.
• Let people know that you are grateful they shared with you.”

Empathy matters, because it increases our understanding of and connection to others, even if we disagree with them. It helps us bridge divides, heal wounds, and create the connection that our hearts need.

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